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Thanksgiving

Embracing Chosen Family Durning the Holidays and All Year Round
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Embracing Chosen Family During the Holidays and All Year Round 495 401 cj

Embracing Chosen Family During the Holidays and All Year Round
Embracing Chosen Family Durning the Holidays and All Year Round

Embracing Chosen Family During the Holidays and All Year Round

By Jay Baldwin

“It’s the most wonderful time….of the year.”

This time of year is typically associated with family gatherings full of celebrations, joy and togetherness. We are inundated by Hallmark movies, TV commercials, and social media posts that would have us believe that everyone should be sitting around a fireplace with their loved ones having the most wonderful holiday celebrations. Not everyone, however, has a family of origin they can or even want to be with for a variety of reasons. An increasing number of people, especially folks in the LGBTQ+ community, opt to surround themselves with their chosen family instead of their family of origin, not just during the holiday season but all year round.

Chosen families are the people we surround ourselves with who love us, support us and embrace us for exactly who we are. For many, they are far more loving and nurturing than the families they were born into. But it’s also important to note that a chosen family does *not* require the absence of a family of origin. Chosen family can exist as a powerful source of community in and of itself, or as an additional source of joy and support in addition to one’s family of origin.

Chosen families in the LGBTQ+ community have existed for decades. For centuries, the queer community has found a way to connect with each other and build systems of support when the heteronormative world was not a safe place to be seen and known. For many LGBTQ+ people who are seeking acceptance and understanding of their full selves, surrounding themselves with likeminded and like-identified folks can transform and even save their lives.

This holiday season, I invite you to think about our LGBTQ+ young people who are still navigating how to come out in their own families, facing rejection, or struggling to find their chosen family. I am proud to be donating to an organization called Transanta that helps deliver gifts to transgender youth in need, safely and anonymously. Transsanta was created because “right now, young trans people, particularly Black and Brown trans youth, are under attack across the country and around the world. The pandemic has exacerbated unsafe conditions for trans youth who are houseless, in foster care, in detention, and in abusive or otherwise unsafe housing situations. Transanta was created to show young people that they are loved, supported, and have a family of people around the world who care about them and want them to succeed.”

No matter what community we are a part of, we all desire and deserve meaningful and supportive connections throughout every stage of life. Whether you identify as LGBTQ+, or as a member of a different community entirely, I invite you to think about the concept of chosen family if you haven’t before, or what it means to be part of someone else’s chosen family. Who have you invited into your life who you consider family, even though you didn’t necessarily grow up with them? What kind of family do you want to surround yourself with and be a part of that you perhaps haven’t before? Whether you are with your family of origin, your chosen family, both, or neither, whether you are celebrating a lot, a little, or not at all, I see each and every one of you, and I wish you all a safe and healthy holiday season.

Creating a Safe and Welcoming Holiday For Your Queer Child
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Creating a Safe & Welcoming Holiday for Your Queer Child 495 401 cj

Creating a Safe & Welcoming Holiday for Your Queer Child
Creating a Safe and Welcoming Holiday For Your Queer Child

Creating a Safe & Welcoming Holiday for Your Queer Child

By Leo Kirkham

The winter holidays are a time for family and friends to gather together in the spirit of gratitude and giving. But they can also be fraught with conflict and stress.

For LGBTQ people especially, the holidays can be a trying time. Whether they are visiting family who don’t fully accept their identities, being reminded of childhood trauma, seeing a past abuser, or struggling with an eating disorder, the holidays can bring up anxiety for queer and trans people.

You love and accept your queer child. So how can you make the holidays a safer, more welcoming space for your child?

Talk to your child

The first step is to have a conversation with your child about the upcoming holidays and any family visits. Ask them if they have any stress, anxiety, or worries about the holidays. Ask them how you can support them best. Ask what they need during the holiday, whether it is space and time to be alone, verbal support from you during family conversations, or the opportunity to be engaged in holiday activities like cooking and cleaning.

Talk to family members and friends

Have a conversation with any family and friends who will be visiting during the holiday. Set expectations early about what behavior is expected of them. Tell them that homophobic, biphobic, and transphobic comments will not be allowed.

If your child uses a different name or pronouns than what they grew up with, tell visiting family that they are expected to use the correct name and pronouns during their visit. Practice with them, and role model how to apologize if you make a mistake with pronouns. (Apologize briefly, say the sentence again with the correct pronoun, and move on. Do not over-apologize.) Treat your child the same as any other child.

Meaning, invite your child’s significant other to the holiday, if you would do the same for a heterosexual child. Treat their significant other with friendliness and respect. Welcome them as a part of the family.

Use your child’s preferred name and pronouns, just as you would for a cisgender* child. If you need to practice with pronouns to get it right, do so! Practice with other family members, practice writing sentences about your child, and practice using your child’s pronoun in your thoughts and out loud. If you need a resource for practicing with pronouns, try this website.

*Cisgender refers to someone who identities with the gender they were assigned at birth. For example, if the doctors told your parents “it’s a girl!” when you were born and you identify as a woman today, you are a cisgender woman.

Ally is a verb, not a noun

Be an ally to your child during the holiday. If a homophobic or transphobic comment is made, don’t stay quiet. Speak up! Address the inappropriate comment and make it clear that similar language or attitudes will not be tolerated at your holiday.

If the conversation grows into an argument, give your child permission to leave the room while you work it out.

If you feel that an argument about LGBTQ issues is inevitable with your family, consider hosting a smaller gathering without homophobic or transphobic relatives so that your child can experience a peaceful and comfortable holiday with you.

Help another queer or trans child this holiday

Not every child is as lucky as yours. Many queer and trans kids do not have accepting families. Consider sharing your love and generosity with another child in need.

You can write a letter to an LGBTQ child this holiday season (Your Holiday Mom) or donate a gift to a trans child who otherwise couldn’t buy a binder, a pride flag, or an LGBTQ book (Trans Santa).

Thank you for reading, and happy holidays!

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Preparing For A Thoughtful Thanksgiving 495 401 cj

Preparing For A Thoughtful Thanksgiving

Preparing For a Thoughtful Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, bringing with it lots of family togetherness and delicious food favorites. For many folks, this is a much-anticipated family holiday. And while we hope that all members of the Kaleidoscope community will spend Thanksgiving with supportive friends and families, we know that for some, this may be a holiday with awkward and uncomfortable interactions with family members that are still on their journey to acceptance.

If you are feeling unsure or nervous about what the Thanksgiving holiday may have in store, for yourself or for your LGBTQIA+ child, you are not alone. Holidays carry a lot of emotional weight, but LGBTQIA+ young people should enjoy the holiday while also taking good care of themselves. Here are some suggestions for setting boundaries that will allow for all family members to have an enjoyable holiday:

Talking with Grandparents:

Some older people may be unfamiliar with the terminology and pronoun use that is common in the LGBTQIA+ community. Be patient with grandparents and older relatives, as their intentions might be good. It may be helpful to talk with grandparents before the holiday. A grandparent may not yet be able to accept and support their LGBTQIA+ grandchild, but they can still be expected to interact with their grandchild in a respectful manner when attending a family gathering. Offer explicit clarification for any new names to use, what pronouns to use, and how to demonstrate affirmative support, especially regarding clothing, hairstyles, make-up and tattoos. Grandparents just may surprise you with their acceptance!

Hang out with allies:

Try to seat LGBTQIA+ young people at dinner next to someone who is supportive of them and makes them feel safe. Allow everyone to spend the time before and after the holiday meal with the people they choose to be with.

For LGBTQIA+ young people who may not have family members who are able to provide affirming support, the goal may be just getting through the holiday. Let your LGBTQIA+ child know that you are trying to make the day feel manageable.

Acknowledge that your LGBTQIA+ child may be feeling sad or defeated by a family member’s intolerance. Encourage them to text with friends that make them laugh and feel loved. This kind of connection will allow them to feel better and remind them that they have people in their corner who adore them for their authentic self. And knowing that there is someone to vent with just may give everyone the power to enjoy the holiday.

Even in the most supportive and loving families, the holidays can feel overwhelming. It is ok for all family members to take some time to be alone and re-charge. Encourage everyone to make time to get outside and go for a walk, or take a nap or read a book. It is the right thing for everyone to make self-care a priority.

Kaleidoscope is always here for you and especially during the holidays. Our weekly virtual Pride Clubs for 12-17 year olds and weekly virtual Coffee Chat for 18-24 year olds are safe spaces to share your thoughts and feelings.

Questions?

For more information

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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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Have A Safe & Supportive Thanksgiving 495 400 cj

Have A Safe & Supportive Thanksgiving

How To Have A Safe & Supportive Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, bringing with it turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin spice lattes. For some, this is a much-anticipated family holiday. And while we hope that all members of our beautiful Kaleidoscope community will spend Thanksgiving with supportive families, we know that, for some, this may be a holiday with awkward and uncomfortable dinner table talk with family members that are still on their journey to acceptance.

If you are feeling unsure or nervous about what the Thanksgiving holiday may have in store, for yourself or for your LGBTQ+ child, you are not alone. Holidays carry a lot of emotional weight, but LGBTQ+ young people can still enjoy the holiday while also taking good care of their hearts and themselves. Here are some suggestions for setting boundaries that will allow for all family members to have an enjoyable holiday:

Talking with Grandparents:

Some older people may be unfamiliar with the terminology and pronoun use that is common in the LGBTQ+ community. Be patient with grandparents and older relatives, as their intentions might be good. It may be helpful to talk with grandparents before the holiday. A grandparent may not yet be able to accept and support their LGBTQ+ grandchild, but they can still be expected to interact with their grandchild in a respectful manner when attending a family gathering. Offer explicit clarification for any new names to use, what pronouns to use, and how to demonstrate affirmative support, especially regarding clothing, hairstyles, make-up and tattoos. Grandparents just may surprise you with their acceptance!

Hang out with allies:

Try to seat LGBTQ+ young people at dinner next to someone who is supportive of them and make them feel safe. Allow everyone to spend the time before and after the holiday meal with the people they choose to be with.

Avoid Political Discussions:

With the political landscape so heated right now, the best way to practice self-care may be to just opt out if conversations turn political. Even for the most passionate advocates, the holidays may not be the best time to change people’s minds. Better to save everyone’s energy for another time. If politics does come up and you are not comfortable with the conversation, nor able to change it, you can have an “exit” strategy where you leave the table/conversation with a pre-determined excuse.

For LGBTQ+ young people who may not have family members who are able to provide affirming support or who may be spending the holiday alone, the goal may be just getting through the holiday. Let your LGBTQ+ child know that you are trying to make the day feel manageable.

Acknowledge that your LGBTQ+ child may be feeling sad or defeated by a family member’s intolerance. Encourage them to text with friends that make them laugh and feel loved. This kind of connection will allow them to feel better and remind them that they have people in their corner who adore them for their authentic self. And knowing that there is someone to vent with just may give everyone the power to enjoy the holiday.

Even in the most supportive and loving families, the holidays can feel overwhelming. It is ok for all family members to take some time to be alone and re-charge. Encourage everyone to make time to get outside and go for a walk, or take a nap or read a book. It is the right thing for everyone to make self-care a priority.

Kaleidoscope is always here for you and especially during the holidays. Our weekly virtual Pride Club for 12-17 year olds and weekly virtual Coffee Chat for 18-24 year olds are safe spaces to share your thoughts and feelings. For more information, please visit KaleidoscopeLGBTQ.org

Profile Picture of Jeri Rochman

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

Contact

EmailWebsite
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A Kaleidoscope Challenge: Expressing Gratitude! 495 400 cj

A Kaleidoscope Challenge: Expressing Gratitude!

A Kaleidoscope Challenge: Expressing Gratitude!

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, it’s the perfect opportunity to focus on gratitude!

As members of the LGBTQ+ community (or perhaps as an ally,) it’s all too easy to be aware of the anti-gay and anti-transgender biases that LGBTQ+ folks face in our daily lives.  We experience them in community settings like school or work, through online bullying, by discriminating laws enacted by the government, and often maybe even in our own homes.  It’s good to be aware of it, because perhaps that will inspire us to work toward creating positive change, set healthy boundaries for ourselves, or join with others in safe spaces.  While we deal with it, though, it can be exhausting.  If you’re like me, it might make you sad just to think about it.

Let’s shift our attention for a moment away from those messages and focus on the affirming ones, instead.  Who in your life has demonstrated unconditional positive regard for you?  Do you have a friend who you can tell anything to without fear of judgment?  Does a teacher encourage you to be who you are in a safe space?  Do you get a friendly smile from your neighbor?   Do you have a dog who gets happy every time you come home?

Wayne Dyer said, “We expand what we focus on.”  What exactly does that mean?  It means that if we consciously choose to notice something, then we’ll notice it more often.  By doing so, the amount that we experience that thing will grow.

With that in mind, Kaleidoscope presents a challenge to you:  Make the conscious choice to notice three new things that you’re grateful for every day for a whole week.  It can be something major in your life, like your mom or a best friend, or it can be something minor, like the smell of fresh bread or feeling the grass between your toes.  Be on the lookout for what to be grateful for on any given day, then write those three things down in a Gratitude Journal or create a list on your phone.  If you do this, you will feel better by the end of the week than you did at the beginning.  Don’t believe me?  Try it!

If you really want to feel good, take a moment to express your gratitude to those around you that provide you with loving and affirming support.  Who knows – you might help make them feel better, too!

Kaleidoscope is offering a great opportunity for you to express your gratitude toward a person who has shown you affirming support in your LGBTQ+ identity.  In honor of Thanksgiving, we invite you to make a token of appreciation for a loved one who has been an ally to you in your LGBTQ+ identity.  This person can be anyone in your life – a family member, friend, teacher, therapist, or perhaps a coach.  Get creative and have fun while expressing your gratitude for their support.  You could make them a bracelet out of string, write them a poem, bake them a cupcake – whatever sounds fun and meaningful.  If you have trouble thinking of someone who has been an ally to you, please reach out to us.  We are happy to be your ally and we look forward to inviting you to our free social event groups where new friends will gladly celebrate who you are.

In fact, we are grateful for you!

Are you someone who’s interested in becoming an ally for an LGBTQ+ loved one?  Would you like to build upon the skills and knowledge that you already have as an ally?  On Nov. 15, 2019 in Sherman Oaks, from 6:30 to 8:30 pm, Kaleidoscope is hosting a workshop training on LGBTQ+ themes – including considerations for those who are neurodivergent, such as being on the autism spectrum.  It’s an opportunity to learn new tools to be a more supportive and affirming ally.  Ask questions, receive information, resources, and support from licensed professionals and peers.  It’s never too late to become an ally or to improve upon your level of support.  We’re also here to support the supporters!  We’re grateful for you, too.

Download a Printable Gratitude Journal Worksheet

Click Here
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Bryan Scheihing is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who provides individual, group, and family therapy support with the Kaleidoscope program as well as working in the community to promote positive institutional support of LGBTQ+ individuals. He has dedicated his professional life to helping provide affirmative support to members of the LGBTQ+ community by promoting awareness, acceptance, empowerment, and equality while also helping individuals realize their potential and achieve their goals. Interested in receiving Kaleidoscope services? Contact Kaleidoscope by email today!

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