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What Pride Means to Me 495 401 cj

What Pride Means to Me
June 2021 Blog Header Image
PRIDE MONTH

What Pride Means to Me

Celebrating Pride can look different for each person who stands with the LGBTQIA+ community. Its general sentiment is made visible in the month of June, as parades and festivals exhibit colorful decorations with the rainbow flag as a symbolic representation. Pride-related events such as parades, art exhibits, parties, and media events serve to strengthen the community by providing its members with a marked time and place to unite with a larger body of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Pride events were started to improve the visibility, acceptance, and legal protections of the LGBTQIA+ community. While it may have started with a political nature, many Pride events are now more local celebrations drawing large attendance of members of the LGBTQIA+ community as well as their families and allies.

Those outside of the community may notice the June celebration of Pride because of its decorative and performative elements. These elements such as the floats, dancers, and singers that can be found at the West Hollywood parade contribute to the communal empowerment that takes place at these gatherings. However, as a young queer, I believe there is much more to pride than what can be glimpsed on its surface.

As June approaches, I encourage members of the LGBTQIA+ community of all ages to think deeply about how they practice pride on a personal level. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go to a party and celebrate on a public, communal level. But I am suggesting that the entire community will benefit from each members’ contemplation of what it looks like to act with pride. Though we may overlap, pride looks different for everyone in practice.

For me, pride looks like not being afraid to ask for what I need, whether that be time, space, or to be called something different from what people seem to know me as. For many, pride is what must emerge so we can have the confidence to not allow what others may think to prevent us from living authentically. We can practice pride on an individual level, by accepting our bodies for what they are or altering them in affirmation of what we know ourselves to be. We can practice pride on an interactive level, and by maintaining our dignity, show others how to find their own.

This June, I hope everyone in the LGBTQIA+ community will celebrate Pride by walking joyfully through the world with it. From all of us at Kaleidoscope we wish you Happy Pride!

May 2021 blog feature image transgender flag graphic with moon phases
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When It’s Not A Phase 495 400 cj

When It’s Not A Phase
May 2021 blog feature image transgender flag graphic with moon phases

When It’s Not A Phase

Parents of transgender children are often asked, “When did you suspect?” The answer to that question varies as no two kids are alike. But a common theme often emerges: there wasn’t one single instance, but rather dozens of small signs that added up to “suspecting.”

Some examples of “signs” that parents have noticed is the insistence on stereotypical “girl” or “boy” clothing, hair styles, and toys that do not correlate to the child’s biological gender at birth. Many parents share that when their child is told they cannot wear the clothes they prefer, or not allowed to play with certain toys, their child expresses intense sadness. But when allowed to express themselves in the clothing and hairstyles of their choosing, their child is filled with joy. The collection of these signs point to an unwavering truth: their child knows their gender identity.

It is important to acknowledge when a child is asserting things about themselves that are a part of their identity. For some parents this can be overwhelming and confusing.

Researchers at the University of Washington found that gender identity (the concept of knowing whether one’s self is male, female, or non-binary) is as strong in transgender  kids, including those who are neurodiverse, as it is among typically developing children. An interesting component of this study is that transgender children’s gender development mirrors that of neurotypical and neurodiverse children, and that they can start to identify with clothes and toys in line with their authentic gender from a rather young age.

Gender – defined

 An infant does not know what it means to be a boy or girl. They discover the meaning of these words from their parents, older children, and the people in their lives. Young children also receive a lot of messages from their culture and the media: boys wear blue clothes and like sports, and girls wear pink and like to play with dolls. But a person’s actual gender does not exist in the binary terms of boy/girl and male/female. Rather, gender is more of a spectrum with people expressing and identifying with degrees of masculinity and femininity. Feeling comfortable with our own gender identity and expression is vital to the way we see ourselves and how we engage with the world.

A transgender person identifies along this spectrum, but also identifies as a gender different from the one biologically assigned based on genitalia. A child is deemed to be transgender by behavior and expression that is consistent, insistent, and persistent about their identity. A transgender child will typically insist over the course of many years that they are not the gender they were assigned at birth.

For transgender kids, family and commuinity support is essential to establish comfort in their true sense of self. Research has shown that when a young person receives affirmative support from parents, grandparents, family members, teachers, and peers, there is greatly improved mental health and well-being. It is important to point out that the research shows that transgender young people are at a greater risk of suicide as a result of rejection and bullying. The reality is, support for a transgender child can make all of the difference to insuring that your child is thriving.

Parenting a Transgender Child

Parents of transgender children go through a transition process along with their child, and that transition carries with it a lot of emotions. A parent may feel genuinely happy and excited for their child as they embark on this new journey, but there may also be feelings of confusion, sadness, anger, and loss. When a child tells their parents that they are not the gender they were biologically born with, a parent can feel frightened and unsure about what the future may hold for their child. Parents of transgender children should remind themselves that all feelings about this experience are valid.

Experts suggest that parents be kind to themselves but also work through their emotions away from their child and perhaps with the care of a mental health professional. Each family member may react differently and come to acceptance at different times. Talking about this experience with a therapist can be helpful. The Kaleidoscope Program provides therapeutic services for neurotypical and neurodiverse transgender children, and their parents. Our therapists have expertise with supporting neurotypical and neurodiverse transgender children and their families, and can provide guidance and tools to assist with the transition.

It may not be a phase.

While many children and teens go through “phases” such as dying their hair black, or being obsessed with a celebrity, this is very different than being transgender. It can be very hurtful for a transgender child if a parent dismisses their thoughts and behavior as a phase. Many transgender children rely on their parents and family members for support and acceptance, as they may not experience acceptance in environments outside of the home.

Parents can show support for their transgender child in a number of ways. To begin, parents should try to make a true effort to use the names and pronouns that align with their child’s gender identity. Further, parents can advocate for their child at their school to make sure there are systems in place that will support and protect their child such as gender neutral bathrooms and locker room spaces. And most importantly, assure your child that they have your unconditional love and support – always.

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Thank you Bryan for your insight and guidance. If you are interested in joining our Kaleidoscope Parent Group or have questions about the group, please email.

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April Blog 2021 young woman leaning on a white couch wearing a rainbow knitted sweater
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The Overlapping Spectrums of ASD and LGBTQIA+ 495 401 cj

The Overlapping Spectrums of ASD and LGBTQIA+

The Overlapping Spectrums of ASD and LGBTQIA+

April is Autism Awareness Month, a time to increase understanding and acceptance of people with autism, and to provide continued support, kindness, and compassion for the autism community. This year, the Autism community is making a shift in their language to now declare April as Autism Acceptance Month. The hope is to ignite change through improved support as well as opportunities in all areas of life including education and employment.

The concept of acceptance is the foundation of the Kaleidoscope program. Our mission is to provide services for young people on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum of Sexual Orientation, Gender, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression. April is an important month for our program as we celebrate our clients who are on both the autism and LGBTQIA+ spectrums.

Several studies suggest that autistic men are more likely than autistic women to identify as heterosexual. In one Dutch study, only 57 percent of autistic women reported being straight as compared to 82 percent of autistic men. The women were more likely to be attracted to both sexes, and also to neither sex.

Research shows that a higher percentage of autistic people identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer than the general population. “Most of the data that we’re seeing is that the rate for autistic people who identify as LGBTQIA+  is two to three times higher,” says clinical psychologist Eileen T. Crehan, Ph.D., an assistant professor at Tufts University. But larger studies need to be done before the true rate is known, she says.

We also know that gender, like autism, exists on a spectrum. The two spectrums, gender and autism, are now considered to frequently overlap. A recent study revealed that gender identity (a person’s internal sense of their own gender) and sexuality are more varied among autistic people than in the general population, and autism is more common among people who do not identify as their assigned sex at birth. Research shows that children with autism are 7.6 times more likely to express gender variance. Clinicians and researchers have noted a trend over the last twenty-five years with increasing numbers of children who are seeking professional care related to gender identity who also identify as autistic or having autistic traits.

Overall, autism appears to be more prevalent among gender-diverse people. A larger percentage of autistic people reported their gender as being something other than strictly male or female, compared to other people. Examples of gender identities included in that study were “genderqueer” and “other.”

Gender diverse is defined as an identity beyond the binary (male/female) framework. A 2018 Australian survey of transgender teens and young adults found that 22.5% had been diagnosed with autism. Research suggests that people who have an autism diagnosis or autism traits are more likely to be transgender than the general population. One study found the rate to be two to three times higher in people who have autism.

For some autistic LGBTQIA+ young people, there is a sense of isolation and of not belonging. Belongingness, as defined by Dr. Kenneth Pelletier, at the Stanford Center for Research and Disease Prevention, is “a sense of belonging that is a basic human need – as basic as food and shelter.” Dr. Pelleetier continues, “Social support may be one of the critical elements distinguishing those who remain healthy from those will become ill.”

Our Kaleidoscope team understands that our autistic LGBTQIA+ clients may find some aspects of “belongingness” challenging due to deficits in social communication and difficulty initiating social interactions. Our hope is that our social support groups can be a resource for those who seek to belong in a community. Our online LGBTQIA+ social support groups, Pride Club for teens and Coffee Chat for young adults, offer a sense of empowerment and increased self-esteem for young LGBTQIA+ people, due to a kind, inclusive environment  with non-judgemental peers.

Research proves that accepting behaviors by peers and adults such as respect, support and kindness, can positively impact autistic LGBTQIA+ young people as evidenced by higher self-esteem, better overall health, and a belief that they can be healthy, happy adults.

Cheers to a happy Autism Acceptance Month for all of our wonderful ASD and LGBTQIA+ clients!

Thank you Bryan for your insight and guidance. If you are interested in joining our Kaleidoscope Parent Group or have questions about the group, please email.

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The Value of Parent Support Groups 495 400 cj

The Value of Parent Support Groups

The Value of Parent Support Groups

Growing up is rarely a smooth and easy journey. This is especially true when you are figuring out who you are, and trying to affirm and assert your sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Parents of LGBTQIA+ children and teens may also find their child’s maturation a challenging time. But family support and acceptance is vital to the physical and emotional health of young people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer.

Joining a parent support group is a wonderful resource for parents of LGBTQIA+ children as it can be comforting to talk with fellow parents who are on the same journey. Kaleidoscope offers an ongoing, bi-monthly support group for parents and caregivers of LGBTQIA+ young people.

I am the proud parent of a gay son and a member of Kaleidoscope’s parent group. I find our meetings to be uplifting and inspiring. Recently I had a conversation with our group leader, Kaleidoscope Therapist Bryan Scheihing, and we talked about the importance of group support:

Hi Bryan, Can You Describe The Dynamics Of A Parent Support Group?

A support group helps participants cope with common challenges that they are facing or have faced. Kaleidoscope’s support group is a safe space for parents to connect with one another, share their experiences, give and receive support, and learn about resources.

How Can A Support Group Help Parents Prepare For Mental Health Challenges Their Child May Face?

Attending our support group can help parents gain skills that will allow them to feel prepared if their child develops mental health challenges related to their LGBTQIA+ identity. Conversations regarding potential challenges, adversity, and safety concerns are instructive for parents and allow them to help their child develop the “emotional armor” they need to withstand negative messaging and recognize that the real problem lies with those perpetuating the message.

Our parent group is also a source of information so that parents can learn how to help their LGBTQIA+ child develop a strong sense of self-esteem which can serve as a protective factor to help reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse behaviors. In addition, parents in our group learn about opportunities available to their child to help find peers to connect with and how to access resources within the LGBTQIA+ community.

What Advice Do You Give To Parents Who Feel Stressed, Confused, Or Surprised By Their Child’s Coming Out?

That these are normal reactions! At Kaleidoscope, we always assume that parents are coming from a good place and want what is best for their children. For many parents, acceptance of their child is just a natural response. For other parents, acceptance is a journey. There are parents for whom their initial reaction may be that they won’t be able to accept their LGBTQIA+ child’s identity. In those times, it may be helpful to think no matter how difficult it may be for a parent to learn about their child’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity, it was much, much more difficult for a young person to come out to their parents. Our group is a safe space for parents to share their feelings about their child’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity with other parents on the same journey without fear of judgement.

How Can The Support Group Help Parents Who Love And Support Their LGBTQIA+ Child But Are Feeling A Sense Of Grief That The Life They Had Imagined For Their Child May Not Come To Be?

The support group can help parents realize that grieving is a process; it is not linear and it takes time to adjust. Talking with other parents who may have had similar initial reactions can be comforting. Sharing feelings can provide an opportunity for self-exploration of one’s own biases and fears. Sometimes a parent’s grief stems from the fear that their child may not get to experience certain aspects of life as a result of their gender identification and/or sexual orientation. For example, many parents who initially mourned their LGBTQIA+ child’s coming out as meaning their child would not have children of their own, now find themselves being proud grandparents! Often parents will say that hearing another parent in the group describe how they moved from grief to acceptance to fully embracing their LGBTQIA+ child is a source of solace and hope.

Sometimes In Our Group Discussions, A Parent Will Share That They Feel That They Have Done Something Wrong That Caused Their Child To Identify As LGBTQIA+. How Does Our Group Support Parents Who Feel This Way?

Our group is an opportunity to talk about how identifying as LGBTQIA+ is not a choice or a reaction to anything, but a recognition of who one is in regard to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. (Note the word orientation is used rather than preference to demonstrate that this is how one naturally is and not somehow choosing to be.) The choice that’s involved is whether or not to authentically express this orientation and identity to others.

Our group is a safe space where parents can share their worries and provides an opportunity to ask questions and to get clarity on LGBTQIA+ concepts that may be misunderstood. We talk openly in the group that it is a heteronormative bias that something has “gone wrong” when someone is LGBTQIA+. Every human being has a sexual orientation and gender identity. The fact that some orientations and identities are different from others does not make them wrong – it just makes them different. And that’s perfectly okay.

Our Group Is For Parents Of Neurotypical And Neurodivergent LGBTQIA+ Children. Have You Found That Parenting A LGBTQIA+ Child Is Similar For Both Cohorts?

Although each child with autism has a unique experience, LGBTQIA+ young people that are also on the autism spectrum may face more complex challenges than their neurotypical peers. It’s important to listen to these young people and consider the potential influence of certain factors, such as theory of mind deficits, social challenges, sensory sensitivity, and more, while also recognizing that youth with autism have as much of a right to identify and express who they are as neurotypical young people.

What Would You Say To A Parent That Wants To Attend Our Support Group But Feels A Bit Nervous About It. What Can They Expect?

I would tell them: You are not alone. Not in your experience of having a LGBTQIA+ child, not in your concern for wanting to support them, and not in your experience of feeling anxious about engaging with other parents. Culturally, many of us were raised to keep such “family issues” to ourselves, which only perpetuates stigma. The purpose of the group is to support you in your experience. You will not be shamed or judged for your feelings. You will be welcomed.

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Serendipity DoDah
PFLAG

Thank you Bryan for your insight and guidance. If you are interested in joining our Kaleidoscope Parent Group or have questions about the group, please email.

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February 14th Is A Holiday For Everyone! 495 401 cj

February 14th Is A Holiday For Everyone!

February 14th Is A Holiday For Everyone!

The sociologist Pepper Schwartz once said, “In the best of all possible worlds, February 14th is a pleasant and sentimental opportunity to lavish your partner with attention or move your relationship to the next level.” Unfortunately the reality is not so easy! Although Valentine’s Day receives a lot of attention, the LGBTQ+ community can sometimes feel left out of this holiday.

The romantic commercials and cute rom-coms often focus on cisgender, straight couples. LGBTQ+ people may feel invisible on Valentine’s Day, especially if they feel they have to hide their relationships and authentic selves from family, classmates or co-workers. LGBTQ+ couples of color may even feel more excluded from the narrative.

Luckily, there are some great, creative minds out there who have proposed some other options recently. Galentine’s Day is meant to celebrate female friendship and there is also Palentine’s Day which puts the emphasis on friendship rather than gender.

Kaleidoscope believes that Valentine’s Day is a holiday for everyone who would like to celebrate. It is a day to proclaim romantic love (even asexual love) for a partner, a spouse, a girlfriend, or boyfriend. And it is also a day to acknowledge parents, siblings, children, friends, and co-workers to show them that they are appreciated.

Here are some ways to make Valentine’s Day a happy and inclusive event:

DIY: Say “no thank you” to the heteronormative standards of Valentine’s Day and make your own cards or small gifts. Give your gifts to the people in your life who matter to you. They will love a homemade card or a loaf of banana bread!

Share on your social media: Just be aware of what you are posting. Try to share images of same gender couples as well as male/female couples. Share images of people of color or people with disabilities. Remember, everyone deserves to celebrate their love!

Think about using words in an inclusive manner: For example, when your colleagues are talking about plans for the holiday, are you assuming genders and identities? Try using the words “partner” or “spouse”  instead of “husband” or “wife” when asking about your colleague’s plans to show that you are interested, but not making any assumptions.

Let Valentine’s Day be the start of more inclusivity year round: While Pride month in June is the official time to recognize the impact that LGBTQ+ people have had in the world, it is always the right time for the LGBTQ+ community to feel included. Dr. Crystal Jones summed it up best when she said, “there is a huge difference between “all are welcome” and “this was created with you in mind.” Let’s have February 14th – whether it is Valentine’s Day, Galentine’s Day or Palentine’s Day –  be the beginning of an intention to follow Dr. Crystal Jones’ lead to let everyone know that ALL of the holidays are for YOU!

Happy everything everybody!

X,

Kaleidoscope

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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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HAPPY 2021! 495 401 cj

HAPPY 2021!

HAPPY 2021!

The new year is the perfect time for reflecting on what you want out of life and for taking intentional steps to create your future. This can be done in the form of a New Year’s Resolution. It is an opportunity to think about engaging in new behaviors and routines that can help you grow psychologically, emotionally, socially, or physically.

According to the Journal of Clinical Psychology, people who make a New Year’s Resolution are 10 times more likely to actually change their behavior than people who don’t make a yearly goal. This means that the idea of a “fresh start” can really spur you on to make positive changes in your life.

Here are ideas for New Year’s resolutions for 2021 that may speak to you:

1) Love YOU more!

“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” —Oscar Wilde, writer

An example of a New Year’s Resolution designed to increase self-love is the practice of daily affirmations. These are positive phrases or statements that are used to challenge negative or unhelpful thoughts. Practicing positive affirmations is actually rather simple; all you need to do is pick a phrase and repeat it to yourself.

One strategy is to write your affirmation, such as “I am a kind person” on a post-it note and put it up on your bathroom mirror where you will see it every morning. This will remind you to say your daily affirmation. Some other examples of daily affirmations are, “I am brave” and “I deserve respect.”

After a few days of practicing your daily affirmation, you may be pleased to see that you feel more motivated, and you feel more positive. Good for you! You are now on your way to replacing negative narratives to more positive self-talk.

2) Challenge Prejudice in all Forms

“If I wait for someone else to validate my existence, it will mean that I’m shortchanging myself.” – Zanele Muholi, South African activist and artist

Sometimes LGBTQ+ individuals feel different from their peers even if they know that everyone is equal and everyone deserves respect, love, and support. But bringing about the change needed to create a future where LGBTQ+ people do not feel different requires that the LGBTQ+ community and their allies speak up when prejudice exists.

Advocating can be scary and overwhelming. One strategy to help find your voice is to think about the people you care about who are being mistreated. Often, we find it easier to advocate on behalf of someone else rather than ourselves. Ask yourself what kind of friend you would be to someone who is being treated with prejudice – would you stand by them and stand up for them? You probably would! Practice advocating for yourself and your friends, and maybe consider joining an LGBTQ+ Advocacy group. You are braver than you think!

3) Face Challenges With Courage

“Once you have done something that you used to think was impossible, what could ever scare you again? – Elliot Page, actor and activist

We all tend to tell ourselves stories about how the world operates. This helps us to make meaning out of our experiences. But sometimes, without really understanding why we are doing it, the stories we tell ourselves are not actually true. We make the story fit the way we see ourselves as helpless or to describe an experience we found overwhelming

The good news is that we can all reframe the stories that we tell ourselves. One way to do that is to look at a situation as a close and trusted friend would view it. A close friend may find the situation stressful but they would encourage you by telling you that they believe in you and your abilities. The trick is to treat yourself as well as your good friend would do. This shift in perspectives is called “reframing.”

Reframing can help you to face challenging situations with courage. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t,” you can say “I am willing to try this.” Or instead of saying, “This is too overwhelming for me!” you can say, “I am going to just take this step by step.” Reframing can help you to feel more competent and courageous.

Happy New Year from Kaleidoscope! Every January brings opportunities for positive change, for new optimism, for fresh starts – anything is possible!

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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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Season’s Greetings 2020 495 401 cj

Season’s Greetings 2020

Season’s Greetings 2020

We are heading into a most unusual winter holiday season due to the worldwide pandemic. For many people, connecting with family and friends during the holidays is something to look forward to each December. But this year may bring the fear of exposing relatives to the coronavirus, so people may be re-thinking what this year’s holidays will look like. For some people in the LGBTQ+ community, this may come with a sigh of relief as holiday gatherings can be a source of stress for those who do not feel like they can be their authentic selves with their families due to fear of rejection or negative responses. This may be the year to start new holiday celebrations that feel right for you.  

A Different Kind of Holiday Season

Family celebrations will certainly look different this year. Health fears may keep family members apart causing feelings of loneliness. If possible, make an effort to connect with family members and even share meals via Zoom. LGBTQ+ young people may feel anxious about some of these connections for fear that grandparents and other relatives may not accept their authentic selves. It can be helpful to remember that personal questions about friendships and romantic relationships are often an attempt at connection and that family members may need time to acknowledge and accept that they have an LGBTQ+ family member. If a question is asked that feels invasive, you can answer with as little or as much information as you feel comfortable with, and then change the subject. There may be unintentional incorrect use of pronouns with transgender family members. A gentle but firm correction along with a reminder that it is hurtful to be misgendered may be the remedy. Here are some suggestions for including older relatives via zoom gatherings. 

For the Ally’s

If you are a supportive parent or ally, perhaps this season will bring about opportunities for you to highlight the importance of acceptance and affirming support for the LGBTQ+ people in your life. And if the holidays go well with family members, be sure to follow up post-holiday to see if there are any questions and to say thank you for the love and support.  

LGBTQ+ young adults may decide to spend this year’s holidays with their partner or a very small group of chosen family. Hanging out, cooking together, or watching favorite movies can all make for lovely, intimate celebrations. Just be aware that people may feel anxious about gathering in even small groups so try to be understanding if some friends choose to not attend in person. There are plenty of ways to have online get-togethers. Check out this site for fun ideas for virtual holiday party ideas  

Traditions Done Safely

Think about the traditions you love and plan for how they can be done safely. For example, if you love holiday decorations, then definitely go for a walk in your neighborhood and admire the lights. Just wear a mask and practice social distancing. If baking holiday treats is what makes you happy, by all means bake to your heart’s content. And maybe brighten up a neighbor’s day by delivering a batch of treats – just remember to use disposable gloves when making your delivery. Here are some fun, delicious recipes with a LGBTQ+ twist. 

Be The Change

And if at all possible, be the change that you want to see in the world. There are many LGBTQ+ organizations who can use your time and energy this season. Research shows that 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ+ and this time of year adds only more stress to a precarious living situation. Any extra blankets or outgrown clothes will be greatly appreciated by your local shelter. Giving back will definitely make this year feel more meaningful. 

And remember that all family members need down time and for self-care during the holidays. Leave plenty of time for reading books, listening to music, time for taking walks and exercise. 

Kaleidoscope wishes you the happiest of holidays and we wish you all the best in 2021! 

Kaleidoscope is always here for you and especially during the holidays. Our weekly virtual Pride Club for 12-17 year olds and weekly virtual Coffee Chat for 18-24 year olds are safe spaces to share your thoughts and feelings. For more information, please visit KaleidoscopeLGBTQ.org

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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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Have A Safe & Supportive Thanksgiving 495 400 cj

Have A Safe & Supportive Thanksgiving

How To Have A Safe & Supportive Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, bringing with it turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin spice lattes. For some, this is a much-anticipated family holiday. And while we hope that all members of our beautiful Kaleidoscope community will spend Thanksgiving with supportive families, we know that, for some, this may be a holiday with awkward and uncomfortable dinner table talk with family members that are still on their journey to acceptance.

If you are feeling unsure or nervous about what the Thanksgiving holiday may have in store, for yourself or for your LGBTQ+ child, you are not alone. Holidays carry a lot of emotional weight, but LGBTQ+ young people can still enjoy the holiday while also taking good care of their hearts and themselves. Here are some suggestions for setting boundaries that will allow for all family members to have an enjoyable holiday:

Talking with Grandparents:

Some older people may be unfamiliar with the terminology and pronoun use that is common in the LGBTQ+ community. Be patient with grandparents and older relatives, as their intentions might be good. It may be helpful to talk with grandparents before the holiday. A grandparent may not yet be able to accept and support their LGBTQ+ grandchild, but they can still be expected to interact with their grandchild in a respectful manner when attending a family gathering. Offer explicit clarification for any new names to use, what pronouns to use, and how to demonstrate affirmative support, especially regarding clothing, hairstyles, make-up and tattoos. Grandparents just may surprise you with their acceptance!

Hang out with allies:

Try to seat LGBTQ+ young people at dinner next to someone who is supportive of them and make them feel safe. Allow everyone to spend the time before and after the holiday meal with the people they choose to be with.

Avoid Political Discussions:

With the political landscape so heated right now, the best way to practice self-care may be to just opt out if conversations turn political. Even for the most passionate advocates, the holidays may not be the best time to change people’s minds. Better to save everyone’s energy for another time. If politics does come up and you are not comfortable with the conversation, nor able to change it, you can have an “exit” strategy where you leave the table/conversation with a pre-determined excuse.

For LGBTQ+ young people who may not have family members who are able to provide affirming support or who may be spending the holiday alone, the goal may be just getting through the holiday. Let your LGBTQ+ child know that you are trying to make the day feel manageable.

Acknowledge that your LGBTQ+ child may be feeling sad or defeated by a family member’s intolerance. Encourage them to text with friends that make them laugh and feel loved. This kind of connection will allow them to feel better and remind them that they have people in their corner who adore them for their authentic self. And knowing that there is someone to vent with just may give everyone the power to enjoy the holiday.

Even in the most supportive and loving families, the holidays can feel overwhelming. It is ok for all family members to take some time to be alone and re-charge. Encourage everyone to make time to get outside and go for a walk, or take a nap or read a book. It is the right thing for everyone to make self-care a priority.

Kaleidoscope is always here for you and especially during the holidays. Our weekly virtual Pride Club for 12-17 year olds and weekly virtual Coffee Chat for 18-24 year olds are safe spaces to share your thoughts and feelings. For more information, please visit KaleidoscopeLGBTQ.org

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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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October is LGBTQ+ History Month! 495 400 cj

October is LGBTQ+ History Month!
October is

LGBTQ+ History Month!

When we celebrate LGBTQ+ history month, we promote equality and diversity, raise awareness of LGBTQ+ identities, provide understanding of the complex nature of gender, biology, and romantic/sexual orientation, and honor those LGBTQ+ figures who changed the world. 

 There are many ways for everyone in the LGBTQ+ community, and their allies, to celebrate this month. As Laverne Cox, transgender rights activist and actress, so eloquently stated, “I’ve never been interested in being invisible or erased.” Here are some suggestions for honoring the LGBTQ+ figures who paved the way for the LGBTQ+ community to be visible and proud!: 

Suggestions for Teachers:

Strive to creatively weave historical LGBTQ+ figures into your curriculum. Introduce students to the lived experiences and perspectives of LGBTQ+ icons through stories, visual art, food, music, and film. A curriculum that includes lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and gender-expansive historical figures creates a more affirming environment and healthy self-concept for LGBTQ+ students while also raising awareness for all students. 

Suggestions for Students:

Make your voice heard! Make an appointment with your Principal and ask to read an announcement about LGBTQ+ History Month. Or submit an article to your school’s newspaper. If your school has a GSA, have the group plan a special lunchtime event like “Karaoke to Celebrate LGBTQ+ Musicians.” And if your school doesn’t have a GSA, this is the perfect month to start one! 

Suggestions For Parents: 

Show your affirming support for your LGBTQ+ child in a demonstrable manner. Buy a LGBTQ+ flag and fly it proudly outside your home. Make  a point to read up on LGBTQ+ historical figures and share your knowledge at the dinner table. Show your LGBTQ+ child that you will stand up to those who have outdated and unwelcome attitudes toward the LGBTQ+ community. Be a LGBTQ+ hero for your child! 

Suggestions For Friends and Allies:

Sometimes simple things can make a difference in showing your LGBTQ+ friends that you are a strong ally. Wear a rainbow shirt, add your pronouns on your Instagram bio, or bake your LGBTQ+ friends some rainbow cupcakes!  

Suggestions For Co-Workers:

You can demonstrate that you are an ally to your LGBTQ+ co-workers by adding your pronouns to your email signature, as well as wearing a rainbow lanyard and a pronoun pin at work. Show interest in your LGBTQ+ co-worker’s life and ask about their interests outside of work. The more work friends the better! 

And to all of our friends in the LGBTQ+ community:

Happy LGBTQ+ History Month! We see you, we support you, and we are proud of you! And as the great gay playwright, actor, and Tony winner Harvey Fierstein said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself!” 

Want to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community? Please join us! Kaleidoscope offers free groups and clubs for teens ages 12-17 and young adults 18-24. We also have a free bi- monthly parent/ally/caregiver support group. 

Questions?

For more information

Learn More
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Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

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The Importance of Correct Gender Pronouns 495 400 cj

The Importance of Correct Gender Pronouns

The Importance of Correct Gender Pronouns

Pronouns are important! We use them daily when we interact with people and also when we refer to someone in the third person. But, when we use a pronoun, there is an implied gender which may not always be accurate. So even if you think you know a person’s gender, it just isn’t polite to assume.

If you aren’t sure about someone’s pronouns and you are not in a place where it feels safe to ask, then a good default position is to use “they/them/theirs.”  People may feel a bit uncomfortable at first with “they/them/their” pronouns because it can be viewed as a plural term for a singular person. But we actually use “they/them/their” quite often! For example, you might say, “Someone’s at the door. I wonder what they want?”

If you make a mistake, or incorrectly assume someone’s pronouns without asking first, you might be sending a hurtful message even if your intentions are good. Taking the time to use a person’s correct gender pronouns is one way you can show your respect for their identity.

You might feel unsure about how to best ask someone for their pronouns. Here are a few suggestions you can use to show that you want to be inclusive and respectful when meeting someone new:

1. Offer your pronouns first

Let’s normalize offering pronouns when we offer our names! If pronouns are not offered, it is implied that a person’s gender matches their gender expression –  but that might not always be the case.  A person’s gender can be expressed through their name, pronouns, clothing, or haircut. Some people’s gender expression does reflect their gender identity but sometimes it does not.

Offering your pronouns when you meet someone new conveys that you want to be inclusive and that you are a safe person for an LGBTQ+ individual to engage with,

Example: “Hi, I’m Taylor and I use he/him/his pronouns. How about you?”

2. If you are going to ask someone about their pronouns, ask in private

You never want to put someone else on the spot so you shouldn’t ask someone about their pronouns if you are in a big group of people. If you can take a moment away from the group, then you can politely make the inquiry.

Example: “I want to share with you that I use she/her/hers pronouns. If you are comfortable sharing, may I ask which pronouns you use?”

3. Use their pronouns

Once you have met someone and they shared their pronouns, then you should use them! If this is new to you, that is ok but you should still make the effort. You can practice in your head or aloud when you are alone in your car or room. And if you do make a mistake, calmly apologize, make the correction, and move on. And if someone else makes a mistake and misgenders someone, politely make the correction as well.

Example:  Mistaken Person: “Oh, I see Dylan left her jacket on the chair. I will go give it to her.”

Enlightened You: “That’s very nice of you! And, remember, Dylan uses the pronouns   they/them/their.”

4. What if a person is nervous about sharing their pronouns?

A person’s safety and well-being is the most important consideration of all. If someone doesn’t want to share their public pronouns they absolutely do not have to! No one should ever be made to feel pressured to divulge anything personal at any time, or at any place – no exceptions.

5. What if a person doesn’t know their pronouns?

It is absolutely understandable to feel confused or uncertain about your own gender identity. A person can feel quite certain one day about their gender identity and wake the next day and feel utterly uncertain. People need the space and time to realize what feels most affirming to them. Labels can be a helpful tool to describe gender identity but they are not required!

Want to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community? Please join us! Kaleidoscope offers free groups and clubs for teens ages 12-17 and young adults 18-24. We also have a free bi- monthly parent/ally/caregiver support group.

Questions?

For more information

Learn More
Profile Picture of Jeri Rochman

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS

Jeri Rochman, JD, MS, is the Advance LA Director of Community Outreach, a Life Skills Coach, National Board Certified Counselor and Certified Parent Educator. Interested in learning more about Advance LA’s services?

Contact

EmailWebsite